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| I’m just done with non-reciprocal relationships. I was never quite the magnanimous person, and I’m realizing the joys of self-preservation even more as the days get closer to blowing out yet another birthday candle.
Perhaps it’s in my nature. I’ve always tried very hard for seemingly meaningful relationships. I’ve sent hand-written Christmas cards to an estranged relative that never wrote back. I’ve tried to do the forgive-and-forget with friends that betrayed me once, twice, thrice. I’ve flown thousands of miles just to see a single person that I thought I’d have a happily ever after with.
But after many bottles of post-disappointment pinot noirs, countless plates of serotonin-inducing mushroom pasta, heartbeat skips when I find any slight resemblances in films and fiction; I think I’ve reached the time of my life, where I’m self-fulfilled enough that I don’t need to try extra hard for the drops of reassurance that everything is fine. Not everything needs to be fine. I am wonderfully fine and content. I have a loving core family that will do anything for me, I have friends that I can one-hundred-percently trust, and I have the cutest dog that will always be loyal as long as I have a treat in my hand.
Blink. Blink. I don’t believe anyone will not be able to survive with one less existence in their lives. If after numbers of tries, it’s still not working out, then maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. Perhaps you’ve already completed the course of fate you were destined to have in the first place. Perhaps, the course of fate will rekindle... many years later. If only you had met those people in the last 10 years of your life, you would’ve been convinced that rapport lasted for a lifetime. Then. So. Be. It.
I need to keep reminding myself that it’s okay to let go. Nobody needs to mourn over broken, non-reciprocal relationships [for too long]. I barely have enough time to maintain my ties and contacts with ones that are genuinely dear to my heart, and I should really count my blessings without worrying so much about those that have to make their graceful exit. After all, I still have happy memories that I can keep forever. And ever.
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| Feeling peculiarly sentimental lately. It's like watching the world from a spinning carousel - magical yet momentary flashbacks sprinkled with all shades and colours including vibrant oranges and mystical greys and deep purples.
I've had quite an eventful month. It started from a v.low trough where I thought my world was going to collapse. Then as the self-inflicted pendulum gravitated towards the bottom, I came to realize that there are the many special ones that lifted me up with out of town visits, countless dinner parties, wine+cheese rituals, happy hour drinks, wii challenges, doggie dates, house parties, dining scavenges and mini trips. Then came a train of stressful interviews, continuous wine consumption, catching up with my cousin and old friends, the verbal offer, negotiations, the formal offer, then my first resignation in my life and rather painful goodbyes.
Yes, I am embarking on a new journey in life, and will be moving back to my old hometown. I can't believe it's been seven years since I've left Hong Kong, and I'm finally heading back. I thought I was going to stay here for quite some time. I thought I was going to move to New York. Further back then, I thought I was going to move to London. I thought I was going to be a doctor without borders. I thought... too many...
"We lead our lives like water flowing down a hill, going more or less in one direction until we splash into something that forces us to find a new course." - Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha.
At this point, I cannot ask for more - I have an unconditionally supportive family, awesome out-of-this-world friends, an exciting career opportunity, resolved uncertainties, liberation of the mind and an uber cute dog.
The downside? Relocation logistics and associated stress, goodbyes, cramming to fulfill my to-see and to-eat list, and many, many, many boxes. | | |
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Lennox @ Golden Gate Park
Captured by G's dad
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| I never regret things that I do. On rare occasions, I remorse on things that I didn’t do. Nobody likes the devastation of being doomed to missing out on forever. But then again, nobody said life was perfect. I believe that everything happens for a reason. We go through certain hardships and heartaches because it an essential part of growing up.
In fact, digging through my old entries, I found this little piece that I wrote about three and a half years ago. The picture link is gone, but they’re both snapshots of cute little primary schoolers selling girls scout cookies outside the Cornell bookstore.
Contentment is key to true happiness. If one decided to let go of something in the past, then perhaps it just wasn’t meant to be. It takes an orchestration of faith, letting go, sense of security, optimism, skepticism and cynicism to convince yourself that today is the better day. After all, pessimism comes with a pricey tag of wrinkles (thus crème de La Mer bills), deep tissue + hot stone massages, exorbitant retail therapy and taxes on the people that still love you.
I find it exceptionally rewarding to sway my energy away from the inevitable excruciating aftermath of obstructions, and just immerse myself into positive thinking. It’s amazing how the combination of glowing candles, bergamot + lemon grass bubble bath and soothing memories sound mix can completely soak a weary soul into a bubble-filled tub of bliss.
Seriously, sometimes in my own little sleep-deprived, delirious, almost-picture-perfect, eucalyptus-swirled, baby/chuchu-pampered, mushroom-garganelli-filled, bordeaux-tainted world, I feel like the luckiest girl on earth.
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| It's funny that we try all our lives to strive for something, and once we've achieved that in a state of comfort, insecurity then seeps in and we start wondering if this is going to last.
I didn't quite notice how long I've been unhappy for throughout the years, until now that I feel truly content. I look up at a single star in the dark night, and the only wish I make would be for my beloveds.
At a point, right on the brim of easing into this big fluffy down-filled pillow of contentment, my mind was twisted with a funny feeling. It's kinda like intertwining two flows of water of different temperatures, just about to reach equilibrium. As I metamorphosed to bliss, I couldn't help but look back at the unhappy cocoon. It's not the pain that I missed, but rather, it's a reminiscence of an extended period of life that used to be such a big part of me.
I wouldn't have given up that wrap of bittersweetness, because otherwise, I wouldn't have grown to this state to appreciate certain things, and to move on with others. Nothing's perfect, but sometimes when you squint and believe, the world becomes dreamily flawless. Indulge.
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